Ugh. Divorces, racing, fun cars, middle age(?)

"shop-teacher" (shop-teacher)
01/11/2017 at 14:34 • Filed to: UGH

My apologies up-front, this may get a bit incoherent and ramble-ish.

A good friend of mine is going through a divorce. I’ll call him Ed here. It’s probably a good thing in the long run, but he’s gutted and sad and confused and frustrated. All probably pretty normal things to feel in his situation. They have a two-year old boy, so that makes it infinitely harder. I can’t imagine not sleeping in the same house as my kids, and that’s a reality that he will have to face very soon. What makes it even harder is she wants full custody and residency of the boy, no every-other weekends with dad, as is so common it seems almost automatic in divorces.

I met Ed in grad school, we worked together for a few years, we stood in each other’s weddings, I know him vey well. He is one of the kindest and most generous people you could ever hope to meet. He’s also got a mouth on him that can get him in trouble, so I hope he hasn’t said something so stupid that he loses his boy completely.

Ed is, among other things, my racing buddy. We’ve gone to the Indy 500 together every year for the last eleven years. This past year, as we rounded the corner and got within sight of our annual pre-race camping spot, he blurted out everything that was going wrong in his life and his failing marriage all at once. It was this bizarre gleeful exclamation because he was so happy he was going to have a chance to get away from it all for a couple days, that all the bad just came pouring out of him. I was so stunned I almost crashed the truck.

Ed wanted more than anything to keep his family together. Months and months of counseling and all the things adults do to try and remain together. I know Ed well enough to know for certain that he would stay in an unhappy marriage just to be with his boy. When only one person wants it though, things are doomed to fail.

The end came to my attention this weekend, when I texted Ed to tell him that my tickets for the IndyCar race at Road America arrived in the mail. He told me he might not be there. When I pressed how come, I got the answer. They’re getting divorced, the house is being sold, and she wants full custody and control of their son.

We haven’t had a chance to talk. I don’t want to bother him too much, but at the same time I want to know what’s going on and if I can help in any way. I’m sad for him. As much as I love racing, I’m not sure I even want to go without him.

Which bring me to racing. The deaths, the concussions …. I can’t help but think what’s it all for sometimes. I applaud the drivers who retire early so they can live lives, but yet I keep watching. I don’t want to see anybody hurt, but I watch the most dangerous sport in the world. I’m not sure how to reconcile that in my head.

I can’t find anything to replace the Roadmaster. I want a Blazer or a Bronco, but I want something with a manual transmission, but I don’t want one that’s a rusted out piece of crap, but I only have $3000. Oh, maybe just anything that’s fun, that can fit my kids, that has a manual trans, that isn’t full of rust. Yeah right. There were several vehicles that I was interested in while I was trying to sell the Roadmaster, but as soon as I have any money ... nothing.

I’ve also been thinking of using the money to buy an enclosed trailer that I can convert into a camper. Then I can take my family on vacations in that, and use it to camp at racetracks with Ed … oh crap, or not. I don’t really want to camp at a racetrack by my damn self.

Shit, is this middle age? Is that what’s happening when people start getting divorced (Ed is the second close friend in a month), and you start to question the things you do and why you do them? I’m not depressed by any means, but I’m sad for my friends and confused about what to do next.

My life, within my own family and the four walls of my house, is pretty damn good. I don’t want to come off like I’m complaining, and I honestly am not really looking for solutions from anybody. The sun will come up tomorrow, and life will go on, and shit will continue to happen, and we will continue to deal with it. I just needed to vent a bit.

Fuck, I hope Ed’s OK.

DISCUSSION (40)

TheHondaBro > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 14:41

I don’t know what the situation is between Ed and his SO, so I can’t really comment on it, but fuck, a child needs their father. The unfortunate thing about divorce is that it usually favors the wife. My father is the uptight, drill sergeant type, but when my parents divorced, they both got equal custody over us. I can’t imagine what growing up would have been like without my father in the picture.

Arrivederci > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 14:42

Sorry to hear about your buddy’s troubles, but it is for the best. I got divorced back in 2012, similar situation to Ed’s, but thankfully no kiddos involved. Lost the house and all my savings, but at least I got the doggo.

Fast forward four years later and I got married this past summer to a wonderful woman and couldn’t be happier. Ed’s days may look dark now, but humans are a resilient lot - continue to be his friend and time will heal his wounds. I do hope his ex-wife eventually relents on letting him see his boy, or the judge forces the issue. A son needs his father.

shop-teacher > TheHondaBro
01/11/2017 at 14:43

Yeah, I don’t want to do into any more detail, since it’s not my life. I agree though, a kid needs their father. Unless that father is abusive, but Ed is not abusive.

I Will Always Be The Honey Badger > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 14:46

I know the mods don’t encourage too much personal ranting, but this the only corner of the Internet I’ve found where the trolls and ass holes are a minority. Let’s stick together a bit. I’m sorry about your friend, and hope the kid gets to see his Dad.

Dru > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 14:51

Maybe it’s a hot take, but anyone who would willfully try to withdraw a child from a loving and not abusive parent is human excrement.

Jack Does Cars > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 14:51

My parents got divorced when I was two years old, and my father moved 3,000 miles away. My mother has worked job of six parents, I love her to death.

Ed’s in a horrible situation, unfortunately. As we all know, the legal system does favor women in divorces, which I agree with but that’s for another time, and Ed sounds like a great guy. I wish him well.

Mercedes Streeter > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 14:53

*Hugs the shop teach*

Life is that crazy little imperfect thing. I always have that fear that one day, Miss Tesla just won’t be there when I come home and I’ll read some note about how I’m a horrifying mistake and should have killed myself long ago. Historically, that’s how partners always left me. That’s what my parents spent 21 years beating into my head, and what I’ve spent a year in therapy trying to remove from my head. Thoughts like the above are incredibly dangerous.

And that’s the weird thing. Life is facking awesome right now. Never have I ever thought I’d own 2 of my dream cars, be working my dream career, AND make enough money doing both to afford my bills without the threat of homelessness. But, the darkness always waits for the first moment it can get. Ugh, I just want to be like, perfectly happy, but I know that’s impossible.

I hope your friend’s okay, I don’t want to imagine what he’s going through....and likewise, I also wish the default in these cases wasn’t burn the father. It’s not fair unless there’s an actual reason for it.

As for you, have you tried looking out west? West Coast cars seem to be pretty cheap, and plane tickets are also dirt cheap right now too.

dtg11 - is probably on an adventure with Clifford > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 14:57

As far as Ed goes, I can’t help other than to say that seriously sucks. Every kid needs to have a father in their life. I think if he/his lawyer makes that clear to the judge, he can get partial custody.

As far as the car goes, unless I’m mistaken, you don’t need one right away. So I’d say wait and get something you love, not just jump into something because you kinda want it and there’s nothing else at the moment.

TheRealBicycleBuck > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 14:57

Ouch. You touched a sore spot with me. My parents divorced when I was little and I never saw my father again. It really was for the best in our case. The last picture I saw of him was a mug shot. My uncle, his brother, is a police officer. Cops or criminals, that’s the way it’s been in his family.

That being said, there’s no way I would give up my kids. When my friend Will went through his divorce, he and another friend spent their time tracking and spying on his soon-to-be ex-wife. He told me that some of the best porn he owned was of his own wife with another guy. That was what clenched the case with the divorce court judge. Will got full custody.

Another of my friends is going through a divorce now. He was suspicious about her activities, so he turned tracking on in her phone. He then kept records about where she was going. He discovered that she was running over to her boyfriend’s house when she said she was going to work or to the store. The boyfriend was also married, so two families are going through the wringer on that one.

I guess what I’m saying is that your friend’s wife’s behavior matters during this time and if she’s running around, it will affect the court’s decision. He should think about hiring a private investigator.

TheHondaBro > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 14:59

And I agree with some of the other comments. Be his friend, especially right now.

Galileo Humpkins (aka MC Clap Yo Handz) > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 15:00

To echo HondaBro, I do not know the specifics of the situation so can’t comment on it specifically. I will say that my sister is going through a divorce involving a 6 year old. Luckily, as it comes to my nephew, both my sister and her soon to be ex-husband are being rational and mature, realizing that a child needs both parents. So that’s good, but what I’ve learned from their situation is that Ed should really mind his p’s and q’s while the divorce process is happening. Watch the temper and mouth, all the time.

While this may or may not help his case, it is in his best interests to be on his best behavior. It’s seems like common sense, and I’m sure both you and Ed realize this, but never hurts to have someone reiterate it just in case.

With regards to my sister’s situation, the divorce is truly the best for everyone involved and personally I feel long overdue. He is being very petty and juvenile (typical of literally everyone in his family) with regard to pretty much everything else except their kid. This could start me on the rambling/venting train about him and his family (who are also very good friends of my wife’s family btw - so I can’t treat them how I’d really prefer to) but I’ll spare you that.

Hopefully this works out as well as it possibly can for Ed. Good he has someone like you in which to confide when he feels the need. I’d say it’s probably ok, or even good, to ask how he’s doing and if there’s anything you can do. But you’re mature enough to know your friend and know when to and when not to press him versus just making sure he knows you’re there by checking in.

Chariotoflove > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 15:02

A kid needs his dad, and a dad needs his kid. I hope Ed and his boy aren’t robbed of that.

Like you, I’m at the age where I’m seeing friends’ families start to separate from divorce and death. One of my best friends recently lost his son to death. No one should have to lose a child. It all makes me appreciate what I have that much more.

Rico > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 15:05

Well his wife can want full custody but it’s not that simple. It’ll have to go through the courts, they will first meet with a mediator who will try to have them work things out before even seeing the judge. If they can’t come up with an equal resolution they will have to see the judge later that day (whenever it is, usually there are tons of cases) but the mediator will tell the judge everything that was said/decided upon.

Here are some tips for him:

Stay cool in the court room. There might be some lying going on by the SO but he has to keep his composure.

Never refer to the kid as “MY” son, it’s OUR son. The judge will pick up on things like that.

He should absolutely try to get legal counsel to assist him in getting his visitation rights.

Prenup? If not, yikes. Depending on his financial situation he might be in for some stressful times ahead with child support and alimony so he has to make sure his finances are in order.

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 15:10

Ugh, that sucks man. Hopefully cooler heads prevail for Ed’s kids sake, I know perfectly calm and rational people can turn insane during a divorce. Keeping fingers crossed because a boy does need his father.

Future next gen S2000 owner > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 15:15

I know Ed well enough to know for certain that he would stay in an unhappy marriage just to be with his boy.

My brother-in-law stayed for almost a decade after his wife had completely given up on the marriage. It drove him to drinking and almost cost him his career. That was a rough few years.

shop-teacher > Future next gen S2000 owner
01/11/2017 at 15:23

Ugh, that must’ve been terrible for you to watch. I know Ed will be OK if he can still see his son. If not ... I fear for him.

Klaus Schmoll > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 15:26

Shit! She wants to have full custody and residency with only visiting rights? That’s fucked up. Unfortunately, courts still seem to sometimes have a tendency to side with mothers in these cases.

I have a similar case at work. They had a 50/50 arrangement where the kids would switch every fortnight, not ideal but probably the best for all parties involved. The mother (who seemed a bit off to me) has a kid from another relationship living with that father 600 kms away, and one day decided to move there to be closer to that child and is now fighting to get full custody of the other three as well. At that distance, I don’t have to explain the consequences.

The father is doing his best to raise the three as a single parent and is the only one with a steady job (police officer), but the odds aren’t in his favour.

Tell your buddy to laywer up.

shop-teacher > Rico
01/11/2017 at 15:41

He’ll get a lawyer. While not wealthy, he has the means for that, and the intelligence to do what the lawyer says. No pre-nup, but they both work, so there isn’t much of a salary difference.

shop-teacher > Mercedes Streeter
01/11/2017 at 15:43

Thanks Merc :)

Plane tickets may be cheap, but time is very expensive with kids, so I don’t think that’s realistic for me right not. I just need to be patient.

DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 15:43

Song I like to listen to during emotional/tough times. (Starts boring, but gets better.)

Wishing the best for you and Ed!

shop-teacher > Galileo Humpkins (aka MC Clap Yo Handz)
01/11/2017 at 16:05

Thanks, and I think you’re absolutely right regarding Ed’s mouth.

shop-teacher > TheRealBicycleBuck
01/11/2017 at 16:24

While I’ve never exactly enjoyed the company of Ed’s wife, I’d bet money that she’s not sneaking around on him. She’s always struck me as asexual.

Nonetheless, in our state the courts really don’t care about infidelity. My brother-in-law’s ex-wife had two children by another man while they were married, and she still got custody.

shop-teacher > Klaus Schmoll
01/11/2017 at 16:26

He will lawyer up, if he hasn’t already. He’s smart enough to do that, and while by no means wealthy, has the means for that. Kids need their dad, and I can’t imagine the agony of now being allowed any residency with my own children.

shop-teacher > I Will Always Be The Honey Badger
01/11/2017 at 16:27

Thanks. I’ve found the mods fairly forgiving, so long as it doesn’t happen a lot. At least my rant is somewhat automotive related :)

shop-teacher > dtg11 - is probably on an adventure with Clifford
01/11/2017 at 16:27

Thanks, and you’re right on both counts.

shop-teacher > Jack Does Cars
01/11/2017 at 16:29

Thanks. One thing Ed will never do is take off from his boy. So long as he can be with him, I’m sure Ed will be OK. I just worry about how he’ll react if she’s successful in winning full custody and residency.

shop-teacher > Chariotoflove
01/11/2017 at 16:30

Agreed.

I cannot begin to wrap my mind around the agony of losing a child.

shop-teacher > DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time
01/11/2017 at 16:30

Thanks!

shop-teacher > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts.
01/11/2017 at 16:32

I hope that cooler heads can prevail about the boy as well. They need each other. Ed did say that dividing the possessions came easily and peacefully, so at least there has been some semblance of sanity. Hopefully they can build from that and work together for the good of the boy.

shop-teacher > Dru
01/11/2017 at 16:35

It’s a bit of a hot take, but a valid opinion. I was surprised by that part of it to say the least.

shop-teacher > TheHondaBro
01/11/2017 at 16:36

Will do.

TheRealBicycleBuck > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 18:28

Wow. My friend’s wife was the last person I would ever suspect of cheating, but she did.

I feel bad for Ed. Best of luck to him. Tell him to get a really good lawyer.

shop-teacher > TheRealBicycleBuck
01/11/2017 at 19:51

He called me back this afternoon, he’s searching for a good lawyer.

Monkey B > shop-teacher
01/11/2017 at 20:39

Unless he’s done something wrong or can’t provide a healthy safe environment for his little one than I don’t see the courts giving her what she wants.

I’ve been through an easy divorce...I gave her most everything because it didn’t matter to me. I see my boy whenever I want and it’s always been that way...though in typical fashion for the Ice Queen (my friends and family came up with that loving nickname) she just moved 30 minutes further away so now he’s an hour away.

Tell him always be reasonable, be nice even when it’s undeserved and never...NEVER speak poorly about or to her while in the presence of the child. They must co parent and he must always take the high ground. While that may be the most difficult part, especially since she sounds awful based on trying to keep him from his kid. Even if she remains difficult, take the higher ground, because children grow up and will see the truth for themselves.

As for the new arrangements, children adapt easily. Especially if you don’t try and compensate for the situation. Make everything as normal as possible and be honest as possible (some things kids shouldn’t hear/know at that age). Try and keep the same basic rules at each house. Kids adapt well if the adults act as they should. Even if she doesn’t, he needs to.

Be there for him. Remind him to focus on the important things and leave pettiness to her if she’s that way...but to fight for whats important. If he wants 50/50 custody and there is no reason he shouldn’t have it he needs to fight for it....hopefully he won’t need to. GL to your pal...it gets better.

Monkey B > Dru
01/11/2017 at 20:42

yup. Some people are awful. I didn’t understand why I needed to take a parenting class by law to finalize the divorce until I went to the class. It’s frightening that these people have children. Seriously, out of 20 adults I was in there with 2 that were worthy parents. The others...sigh*

shop-teacher > Monkey B
01/11/2017 at 20:43

Thank you. That is all excellent advice.

Monkey B > shop-teacher
01/12/2017 at 02:39

thanks, unfortunately I have 1st hand experience with it from growing up and going through it myself so I know it works if done right. My real dad is a shit but Mom never let on to it, she never spoke ill of him and still won’t. I luckily gained a great stepdad though, from the time I was two years old til this day and am a better man for it, I love my Pop to pieces.

On my end, my ex is challenging but it always stays civil at worst. I help her when I can, buy her other kid presents for Christmas since he has no dad at all...there’s no way I can hand my boy gifts and suffer him watching in confusion (he’s still young). It’s not expensive stuff nor anywhere near as cool as the gifts I buy my boy. But it’s worth it as it’s not his fault dad scooted. I’ll always try and make him feel included as much as I can. He is my son’s brother after all.

Feel free to share my thoughts with him. Sometimes good comes out of negative situations. He may find someone worthy of him and be happier for it, as well his little one. Even if the kid likes his potential future stepdad and the man is good to him it’s better for the kid and everyone else. It doesn’t always turn out ideal, but there’s better chances of happiness given the circumstances if everyone sees the bigger picture and acts accordingly. Obviously there’s unhappiness now so maybe it’s best. I hope she see’s that and changes course. And if he’s not doing what he should prompting her actions then I hope he can find a way to be the man he needs to be.

For me, I’d have it no other way. Like I said, I love my Pop...and wouldn’t be anywhere near who I am today without him. He’s a good man, the type I can only aspire to be.

shop-teacher > Monkey B
01/12/2017 at 07:14

Excellent points all around. I will share it with him.

We’ve got an uncomfortable situation in our extended family that’s led us to doing some of the same things. My brother-in-law’s exwife had twins by another man while they were still married. Their real dad took off and has no interest in him, they actually think my brother-in-law is their dad still. We rarely see them, but we still buy those kids Christmas presents because it’s not their fault that both of their parents are worthless deadbeats.

Ready for an adventure! > shop-teacher
01/12/2017 at 09:16

Call Ed. He needs it. You will not be bothering him.

shop-teacher > Ready for an adventure!
01/12/2017 at 09:28

We talked a few hours after I wrote this. It was damn good to hear his voice.